When Leaders Cross the Line
Spotting Subtle Signs of Toxic Leadership
By Jane Phipps
Melbourne, Australia
Featured on starnetwork.org
He never yelled. He never swore. He didn’t throw chairs across the room or slam his fists on the table.
In fact, on paper, he looked like the perfect leader — professional, calm, and by the book.
However, I’d leave our meetings feeling uncomfortable — somehow smaller, less sure of myself, and quietly wondering if I knew what I was doing.
That’s the tricky part about toxic leadership. It isn’t always the screaming boss you see in movies. Sometimes it’s polite. Controlled. Hidden behind a smile and a handshake. Because it’s subtle, you can miss it for years… until the damage is done.
Toxic Leadership in Disguise
We often think toxic means explosive, but it can be quiet too — the kind of quiet that chips away at your confidence one interaction at a time.
A toxic leader puts their own power, image, and comfort ahead of the people they lead. They use subtle but powerful levers — control, isolation, fear, and the erosion of self-trust — to keep people compliant, disconnected, and doubting themselves. All while maintaining the appearance of professionalism.
I’ve been there. You start second-guessing yourself, thinking it must be you, not them. You tell yourself you’re being too sensitive. You work harder to prove your worth — and somehow, it’s still never enough.
I remember that toxic smile and slight tilt of the head that I once thought was charisma — until it started striking fear, because I knew the words that followed would be delivered with the intent to harm.
Where is that line? When does charisma bleed into toxicity? Let’s explore five signs that answer these questions.
1. Micromanagement Dressed Up as High Standards
There’s nothing wrong with clear expectations — in fact, most people thrive when they know exactly what’s expected of them. However, there’s a difference between guiding and controlling.
Guidance is about setting the destination and trusting people to find the best route. Control is about walking every step beside them, telling them exactly where to put their feet.
Why this matters: Micromanagement quietly teaches people not to trust themselves. It kills creativity, slows everything down, and sends the message that your role is to follow, not think.
2. Withholding Information
Sometimes it’s deliberate; sometimes it’s just how they operate. Either way, you’re left in the dark.
You find out about changes at the last minute, often when it’s too late to influence the outcome. You’re given just enough detail to get your piece of the job done, but not enough to see how it connects to the bigger picture.
Why this matters: Withholding information isn’t an administrative oversight. It’s a calculated mechanism to centralise power, manage appearances, and keep the leader in the starring role. It stops people from challenging the why, quietly eroding trust.
3. Playing Favourites
You start to notice certain names popping up in praise emails, certain people always getting the plum assignments or being invited into informal decision-making conversations that happen before the actual meetings.
They’re the ones asked along to after-work drinks or pulled aside for a casual coffee with the boss — those moments where relationships are built, trust is reinforced, and influence quietly shifts.
Why this matters: Playing favourites breeds resentment and unhealthy competition. It encourages people to perform for approval rather than shared goals. Healthy teams rely on a sense of we’re in this together.
4. The Subtle Gaslight
Not the dramatic, movie-version kind where someone insists your reality is completely false, but the slow drip of:
“I don’t remember saying that.”
“I think you misunderstood.”
Even when you know you didn’t. It’s the raised eyebrow or the slight smile that suggests you’re overreacting.
At first, you brush it off — everyone forgets things sometimes, right? But over time, the pattern becomes clear.
You start to notice these “misunderstandings” always happen around sensitive topics — missed commitments, broken promises, shifting expectations. Somehow, the conversation becomes about your memory, your perception, or your tone.
Why this matters: Subtle gaslighting undermines confidence at a deep level. It’s about eroding your sense of reality. When you no longer trust your judgment, you hesitate to raise concerns, challenge decisions, or share ideas.
5. Boundary Creep
It starts innocently enough:
“Can you just stay back this once?”
“Could you check your emails over the weekend?”
At first, you want to be helpful — to show that you’re a team player. Inevitably, just this once turns into just this week, then into that’s just how we work here.
Before long, you’re skipping breaks, cancelling personal plans, and answering late-night messages. What was once an exception becomes the expectation.
Fear-based leadership doesn’t always look like yelling or threats. Sometimes it’s the subtle but unmistakable message that setting limits will damage your reputation or even your job security.
Why this matters: Once fear has you questioning whether you can protect your own time, you’re less likely to speak up about anything else. That’s how toxic systems sustain themselves — by keeping people too overworked, too tired, and too worried to challenge the status quo.
Take These Steps Towards Self-Empowerment
If any of this sounds familiar, please know that you’re not imagining it, and you’re not overreacting. These patterns are real — and they have an impact.
The first step is seeing them for what they are. The next is deciding how you want to respond. Here are a few things that helped me:
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Keep notes: Not in a paranoid way, but enough to spot patterns. One incident can be brushed off — ten similar ones over months can’t.
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Check in with others: Quietly ask a trusted colleague if they’ve noticed the same things. Sometimes, hearing “Yes, I’ve seen that too” is the validation you need to trust yourself again.
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Follow up in writing: After a conversation with shifting expectations or vague instructions, send a quick follow-up email summarising what was agreed. It’s a gentle, non-confrontational way to protect clarity.
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Know your boundary line: Decide what you’ll tolerate and what’s non-negotiable. Boundaries aren’t about being difficult — they’re about protecting your ability to work, think, and live well.
These actions won’t change a toxic leader’s behaviour, but they will help you regain power and reclaim your sense of agency. That’s the first step toward deciding whether to navigate the situation — or plan your exit.
The Leadership We Deserve
Toxic leadership can make you question your abilities, your worth, and even your reality. But the way you’ve been treated in a toxic environment says far more about the culture than it does about you.
Good leaders don’t need to control through fear, keep people isolated, or chip away at confidence. They leave you feeling capable and trusted.
They share information freely, respect boundaries, and celebrate everyone’s wins. They make space for you to think, experiment, and even fail — without fear of punishment.
A tough boss is not the cause of a toxic workplace — it’s a symptom of a deeper cultural problem. Cultural problems can be named, challenged, and changed.
The antidote to toxic leadership isn’t just removing toxic individuals — it’s building leadership grounded in genuineness, respect, trust, transparency, and vulnerability.
I know because I’ve lived on both sides — the fear, the self-doubt, the quiet isolation, and the freedom that comes from breaking out.
I’ve felt what it’s like to work under abusive leadership that chips away at you, and I’ve seen the cost it takes on good people. I’ve made choices and channelled those experiences into a different kind of leadership — one built on trust, openness, and genuine care.
If you’ve worked under toxic leadership, you know the cost.
And if you’ve broken free, you also know the power of never going back.