Gaslighting at Work
The Phrases That Break You Down
By Jane Phipps
Melbourne, Australia
Featured on starnetwork.org
I’ll never forget the day I was asked by a CEO to meet with a member of the sales team about building more inclusive practices. He assured me the executive responsible for sales was aware, so I went straight to the sales manager.
We had a great conversation, mapped out ideas, and developed a practical action plan.
A few days later, that same executive discovered our meeting and lodged a complaint with the CEO. Instead of backing me up, the CEO called me in and said, “You shouldn’t have gone behind their back.”
I calmly reminded him that he had directed me to do exactly that. His response? “That’s not true. I never said that.”
There it was — the gaslight.
In that moment, the ground shifted. What I knew had happened, what I remembered clearly, was being denied outright. I walked out of that office not only carrying the weight of someone else’s complaint but questioning my own reality. What game was being played here?
That’s the brutal power of gaslighting at work. It’s not the Hollywood-type shouting, fist-slamming boss. It’s the quiet, calculated denial of truth that leaves you doubting yourself.
As quoted in Simply Psychology (January 2024):
“Gaslighting at work is a manipulation tactic used by coworkers or bosses to make someone question their perception of reality, memory, or judgment.”
It often comes wrapped in professional calm tones, polite smiles, and language that sounds perfectly reasonable on the surface. That’s why it’s so dangerous. Without obvious outbursts or abuse, it corrodes your confidence quietly and slowly — until you don’t know up from down.
What Gaslighting Feels Like
If this has happened to you, you’ll know it doesn’t always feel dramatic. It feels confusing and disorienting. It’s subtle enough that you start wondering whether you’re the problem.
It often begins with a flicker of self-doubt. Did I mishear that? Maybe I misunderstood.
Over time, with repeated behaviour, those flickers grow into constant second-guessing and sleepless nights replaying conversations in your head. You may start apologising for things you didn’t do, working harder to prove yourself, or staying quiet rather than risk being told you “got it wrong again.”
For me, it felt like being out of step with reality — like everyone else was seeing the picture clearly while I was left wondering what I was missing. Most of all, I felt isolated. While my reality was repeatedly denied, I questioned my sanity and stopped trusting my own voice.
That silence is exactly where toxic leaders want you to be.
If the feelings are disorienting, the words are even more revealing. Gaslighting rarely announces itself as abuse. Instead, it hides inside everyday language — phrases that sound harmless but are designed to make you question yourself. Once you know what to listen for, the pattern becomes impossible to ignore.
What Gaslighting Sounds Like
“You’re overreacting.”
You raise a concern about being excluded from a project or decision. Instead of addressing what you’ve said, the response dismisses your feelings as exaggerated. Over time, this trains you to doubt your emotions. You start to question whether you even have the right to feel frustrated or concerned. The problem of being excluded isn’t resolved — instead, your reaction becomes the problem.
“I never said that.”
Delivered with calm confidence, this is one of the most destabilising phrases. Agreements you know were made are suddenly denied. Directions you remember clearly are reframed as mistakes on your part. The composure with which it’s delivered makes you wonder if you imagined it. This can lead to obsessive checking and rechecking — even writing things down compulsively.
“Everyone thinks you’re being difficult.”
This phrase epitomises manipulation and isolation. It suggests that everyone sees you as the problem — even though you’ve never heard that feedback from anyone else. The mere suggestion that the group is united against you makes you feel unsafe. You start to fear speaking up, in case it proves their point.
“You should’ve just known.”
This shifts responsibility for someone else’s lack of communication onto you. You weren’t told the expectations, but somehow, you were supposed to know anyway. It erodes confidence because it makes success feel impossible. You start working twice as hard, trying to predict invisible expectations that are never clearly stated. You were set up to fail.
Each of these phrases is an erosion of confidence — a small cut to your sense of worth and credibility. On their own they sting, but when layered and repeated, they form a deeply destructive pattern.
Gaslighting doesn’t just shape how you feel at work — it shapes the entire culture of an organisation.
The Impact of Gaslighting
On a personal level, gaslighting creates self-doubt, anxiety, and constant vigilance. You replay conversations, keep exhaustive notes, and hesitate to speak up for fear of contradiction. Over time, talented people burn out or walk away.
The statistics are sobering:
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The Workplace Bullying Survey found that 30% of U.S. adults reported directly experiencing abusive conduct at work, and 19% reported witnessing it — meaning nearly half of workers were affected.
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A 2025 survey by Everyone Matters found that over 50% of professionals in financial and professional services reported experiencing or witnessing coercive behaviour, including gaslighting.
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A Gallup survey (via Silverman Leadership) showed that only 23% of employees agreed with the statement, “I trust the leadership of this organisation.”
When nearly half of workers experience abuse, and three-quarters don’t trust their leaders, this isn’t about bad apples — it’s about systems that enable manipulation and silence. Unless organisations confront it, they’ll continue to lose trust, talent, and innovation.
What Can Be Done
Gaslighting thrives in silence. Here’s how you can reclaim your ground:
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Keep notes. Document facts and key points — but don’t let it consume you. If it becomes obsessive, the gaslighter has already taken too much of your peace.
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Check in with others. Share experiences with trusted friends outside work. Validation matters, but choose carefully to avoid gossip or retaliation.
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Follow up in writing. After meetings, send a short email confirming agreements. Stay neutral and professional. This not only creates a record but protects you from being misrepresented.
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Know your boundaries. Decide what’s non-negotiable and hold firm. Manipulators may frame your boundaries as you being “difficult.” They’re not — they’re survival.
These steps won’t change a gaslighter’s behaviour, but they’ll help you protect your reality and sanity.
Real change, however, comes when organisations stop treating gaslighting as a personal problem and start addressing it as a cultural one.
Companies must:
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Create safe reporting channels.
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Train leaders to identify and stop manipulative behaviours.
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Measure psychological safety as seriously as financial results.
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Hold leaders accountable — because ignoring subtle abuse is as damaging as overt bullying.
A workplace that values inclusion, trust, and transparency has no room for gaslighting.
For Leaders
Culture is built in everyday behaviours. When leaders allow gaslighting to go unchecked, they send a message that fear and manipulation are acceptable. But when they confront it — by naming the behaviour, protecting employees, and modelling transparency — they build cultures where people can think, speak, and contribute without fear.
Conclusion
That day in the CEO’s office has stayed with me. It wasn’t about a single meeting or misunderstanding; it was about a culture that allows truth to be denied and people to be diminished.
Personally, it shook my confidence and made me question myself. Culturally, it sent a signal that silence and fear were more valuable than honesty and inclusion.
Gaslighting flourishes when individuals doubt themselves and when organisations look the other way. The response has to be twofold:
For individuals — trust your memory, set boundaries, and refuse to be silenced.
For leaders — own the culture you create every single day.
In the end, gaslighting isn’t merely one person’s behaviour. It’s a symptom of what a workplace chooses to tolerate.
When we refuse to tolerate it — when we replace manipulation with transparency — we create cultures where people are safe to think, speak, and lead with confidence.